


Rain, Rain, Go Fuck Yourself

by ToumeiKyoudai



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Underfell, Bad Jokes, Fluff, Light-Hearted, Multi, Positive Reader, Reader Is Not Frisk, Reader-Insert, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-28
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2018-07-27 06:01:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7606471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToumeiKyoudai/pseuds/ToumeiKyoudai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically, it's "Rain, Rain, Go Away" if it were set in Underfell.</p>
<p>On your way home from work, you get completely soaked by pouring rain and decide to hide in an apartment building. Unfortunately, the receptionist seems to be looking at you with...murdery and sadistic eyes. Maybe you'd be able to distract yourself from her unsettling expression if you buzzed one of the rooms? Your outgoing attitude combined with your ceaseless positivism leads you to press a button labelled 402.</p>
<p>The person on the other end is an asshole.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rain of Terror

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jezzi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jezzi/gifts).



> This was requested by Jezzi in the comments of "Rain, Rain, Go Away".
> 
> And a huge thank you to RoxasConan. I really couldn't have done it without their help. Writing Sans like this was haaaaaard.
> 
> I suddenly have a lot more respect for people who write AUs.

It was on days like these that you hated riding a motorcycle. It sucked, man. It really did. You were sopping wet and it felt horrible. You hated the feeling of wet jeans, and rain had somehow managed to find it’s way down the collar of your jacket. It was awful.

How did ‘light showers’ mean torrential downpour?! Your sister had warned you about trusting the weather man! But it was too late. You sighed. There was no way you were making it home in this weather. As good as you were at driving, you knew it would be safer to pull over. A lot safer.

As if on cue, a blurry apartment building came up on your right, and you dreamed of the possibility of there being somewhere for you to hide. As you pulled into the parking lot, you learned that fate wouldn’t be so kind. Sure, there _was_ an overhang, but somebody had parked their bright red sports car right underneath it in such a way that anyone seeking shelter beneath it would be forced to risk scratching it’s paint. You deemed you had too many zippers and buttons on your outfit to go anywhere near it. You had no confidence in your ability to not touch things.

You wouldn’t let that _dampen_ yo-...You felt a wave of deja vu at your pun. You decided not to finish that thought.

You parked as far away from the red sports car as you could without impeding anyone in the parking lot, and ran inside.

Well, as inside as you could get. You needed to be buzzed in to actually get inside. That was a nonissue, though, since you had no problem with leaning against the wall in the little waiting room. The real problem lay with the receptionist, who looked a little too eager at your presence. Or rather, their expression seemed to ask ‘oh, I wonder how long before this one gets killed’. It was unnerving, and you really wanted her to stop staring at you with that sadistically amused grin.

Press a button. That was a good idea, right? You convinced yourself that it was, though you weren’t sure if you were lying to yourself. You looked at the rows of buttons and began your scientific method of random selection.

“Inny meeny miney mo. Catch a tiger by his toe. If he hollers let him go. Inny meeny miney mo!” You sang in a happy voice, though there was a slight waver to it. “402, save me from your receptionist…” You pressed the button confidently and waited. Then pressed it again. And again. You frowned at the lack of response. You pressed it repeatedly as fast as you could.

“i swear to god, Grillby, if you’re after me for my tab again i’m going to snap your neck. i’ll pay it when-wait. who the fuck are you?”

“A _tab_ ulous stranger.” You made finger guns towards the camera. There was a brief pause, and then the person on the other end just lost it.

Their laugh was...interesting. The only way you could describe it would be ‘sinister’. But you weren’t the kind of person that judged other people’s laughs.

There seemed to be a moment of realization, where you heard him try to mask his laughing with fake coughing, and then the line suddenly went dead.

“Oh come on. That one was good!” You whined to yourself before pressing the call button again. It took a bit, presumably while the person on the other end regained their composure, before the buzzer was answered again.

“what do you want?” He growled when he picked up.

“It’s rude to hang up on people, ya know?” You pointed out in a playful tone.

“good.” Was all he said before the line went silent. Had he hung up on you again? Well, third time’s the charm you supposed. You pressed the buzzer a few more times. He didn’t answer for a while.

“what do you want?!” He snarled when he finally picked up again.

“To have an excuse for standing in your waiting room. Your receptionist is really scary looking.” You answered honestly. “Though, now I kind of want to become your friend.”

“ah, her. she’s quite the vicious little puppy, ain’t she?” There was an amused tone to his voice. Then the rest of your comment seemed to dawn on him. “why the fuck would i want to be friends with you?!”

“You’re right! I can’t believe I was so rude!” You took off your helmet and smiled. “I’m ___, it’s nice to meet you.” You waved. “Now we’re not _rain_ dom strangers! So you can become my friend!”

You laughed at your own joke. You could hear the person on the other side try to muffle their own.

“oh? you like jokes do ya?” He tried to say in a nonchalant voice, but you could still hear his amusement.

“I love them!” You gave a wide smile.

“oh, then you’ll just love this one.” You could almost hear the sinister smile growing on his face. “why did the boy let his ball roll away?”

“Why?” Your eyes glittered in anticipation.

“because he was hit by a truck.” The person on the other side of the speaker broke down into laughter on the other end. “you could say he had a very un _ball_ enced life!”

That was so cruel.

You groaned, but your mouth twitched into a slight smile.

“That was awful!” The more you thought about it, the more you chuckled. “That was so mean!”

“but you’re smiling.” He teased.

“I am and I hate it.” You huffed, leaning against the wall. “...hit by a truck...so cruel. You’re a bad person. Why does this joke exist?” You shook your head, but a smile was plastered onto your face.

“so that sick bastards like me can have our sadistic pleasures.” He said after his laughter died down. He paused for a long moment before he finally decided to continue. “so, trying to ignore the bitch in the other room, huh? fine. i’m game. but you’re gunna owe me for it.”

“I know! I’ll bring you cookies next time I come.” You offered happily. You weren’t very good at baking, though…eh whatever. It’d all work out somehow.

“they had better be the best damn cookies i’ve ever eaten.” He stated clearly. Well, it looked like you were going to be getting your sister to help you.

“They will be!” You hummed happily.

“wait...you plan on coming back?!”

“Of course. You’re going to be my friend.”

“like fucking hell i am!”

“I will seduce you with my cookies.”

“you can’t...it’s not...i...i’m not going to be friends with a frail panzy bitch!” He stuttered in what seemed to be a flustered manner before snarling out an insult.

“So you’ll be friends with me if I’m a strong panzy bitch?”

“what?! no!”

“Well, fine then.” You huffed. “I’ll convince you to be my friend by the time the rain stops, though.” You vowed.

“that isn’t going to happen…”

Oh, you just couldn’t back down from that challenge.

And so you delved into conversation with the crude person on the other end of the line. While he was guarded and aggressive at first, he became more comfortable with you as you forced him to continue talking with you. He hung up several times. You always managed to convince him to talk with you again, though. You learned that he really liked dark humour, as in he told them at every moment he could, and his jokes slowly grew on you. He always seemed elated when you laughed or groaned, though he clearly preferred the former. He would always try to hide his joy, though, and that usually expressed itself as a harsh comment.

You really enjoyed talking with him.

Eventually, though, all things come to an end. You glanced outside and noticed the rain ceasing almost completely. It was time to go home.

“Hate to say this buddy, but I’ve got to head out.” You stood up and stretched.

“fucking finally.”

“I love you, too.” You laughed sarcastically. “Next time the weather forces me off the road, I’ll stop by and give you your cookies.” There was a long pause, so you sighed. “See ya next time, buddy.”

“...Sans.” He said abruptly in a quiet voice.

“What?”

“...my name. it’s Sans.”

“...” You were shocked speechless for a moment, and then you gave him a warm and sincere smile. “Bye, Sans. I was going to call you Edgy McGee, but this works too.”

You didn’t wait for a reply before you threw your helmet on and skipped out of the building into the warm sunlight.

Today was a good day.


	2. Aw Hail Naw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently a lot of people wanted my one shot to...not one shot.
> 
> You guys were just so supportive, I couldn't really say no. Thanks.

“Eli. Eli. Eleanore. Eli. Eli. Eleanore Ayer. Eli. Eleanore.”

“Mnh haaa…”

“Eliiiiii. Hey Eli. Eeeeeeli.”

“Mnaht?”

“Can you help me make cookies?”

“Maht…?”

“Cookies.”

“Suhr. Limme sliep.”

“Great! Come on!”

_**THUD** _

“Aaaah! What?!”

“You said you’d help me make cookies. C’mon.”

“...___...What time is it…?”

“4:30.”

“PM?”

“AM.”

“...Too early for your shit.”

“Don’t go back to sleep! Pleeeeeease? You know how bad I am at making cookies.”

“It’s 4:30 in the-”

“Please? I...really need your help.”

“...You owe me. Big time.”

“I love you! You’re the best sister ever!”

“Damn straight. One question though. Why do you even need cookies at 4:30 in the morning…?”

“Oh! Right! The weatherman said today would be nothing but clear skies, but you always tell me that he’s a compulsive liar. So, it’s probably going to be crappy weather, right?”

“...You know what? I’m not even going to ask. Let’s go make your stupid cookies.”

*

True to form, it was indeed crappy weather. You hadn’t expected it to be hailing, though. It sucked a whole lot more than you had anticipated, and you were really beginning to regret your choice of taking your motorcycle to work. As if the icy pellets weren’t enough, the freezing temperature and heavy winds were also thrown into the mix. Your poor bike kept being buffeted around the road.

But you were determined. You would make it to the apartment building.

By the time it came up on your right, you could practically feel your blood freezing your joints into place. Your excitement overrode your pain, though. You had woken Eli up specifically for your friendship cookies, after all. And you had stayed up all night so that you could go into work early and go home early. Waking up was always hard. So so hard. If you don’t sleep, then you don’t have to struggle to wake up!

Well, in hindsight, 4:30 had been a bit early. After pulling out the recipe, Eli had fallen asleep on the counter, so you had attempted them on your own. They were actually not that bad!

This time, you parked next to the sports car, which was still parked in the same dickish spot as before. You hopped off your bike and, from one of your saddlebags, pulled out a car cover. You struggled with the wind, but eventually secured it over the exotic beauty. Regardless of who parked it, she was a beautiful beast that deserved respect. It was painful to see her left so haphazardly to the elements, even if it _was_ under an overhang.

You took a moment to admire your work before quickly dashing inside. Immediately, you pressed the room 402 call button.

“WHAT WOULD A PATHETIC HUMAN LIKE YOU LIKE TO BEG FOR FROM THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE PAPYRUS?” Well somebody seemed annoyed. Surprise! It wasn’t Sans! Though you were sure he was too. He _had_ mentioned a brother you supposed. Something about him not liking jokes. Eh, whatever. Things would work out.

“Nice to meet you, Great and Terrible Papyrus...uh...can I call you GTP or something for short?” His title was really a mouthful, after all.

“NO.” The line went dead. What was with these brothers? Is hanging up on people supposed to be normal or something? You shrugged and pressed the button again.

“Like I told your brother, it’s rude to-...oh come on, I wasn’t even done my sentence. Seriously you guys.” You stretched your poker finger out. It was about to fight a long battle.

And fight it did. The number of times you hit that button in rapid succession was a personal record.

“GOOD GOD! THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE PAPYRUS-that really is a mouthful, isn’t it?”

“It’s pretty long, yeah.”

“And GTP still sounds as great and terrible as the full...VERY WELL HUMAN, YOU MAY REGARD ME AS GTP. I SUPPOSE I WILL HAVE TO ALLOW YOU TO STATE YOUR BUSINESS.” He seemed pleased.

“It is a pretty cool nickname. Wait. I just gave you a nickname. Awesome! That means you’re my friend now and you can’t say anything against it!” You smiled as warmly as you could.

“...PARDON?”

“I’m officially your friend now. Friendship made!” You struck a pose before adding. “Well, I still want to finish my friendship quest with your brother, though…he seemed pretty cool last time I was here. Maybe we did become friends? Probably. Your brother is my friend as well! There is no escaping this friendship!”

“WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH A FRAIL WEAKLING LIKE YOU?!”

“Why do you guys keep assuming I’m weak.” You whined to yourself. “I brought friendship cookies and everything! I’m sure if you-”

“SANS! COULD YOU DEAL WITH YOUR SICKENING HUMAN _FRIEND_?!” He cut you off and completely ignored what you were saying. The way he said friend was with complete and utter disgust. You sighed and twitched your lips into an easy smile. Next time, next time.

“oh my fucking god. why the fuck are you here again.” The familiar voice growled. It wasn’t really a question, though.

“I told you I was going to bring you cookies. So...cookies.” You held up the tin. It was christmas themed. “You can _hail_ p yourself.” Your joke caught him off guard, and you heard the telltale signs of a person suppressing laughter.

“go to _hail_.” He tried to deadpan, but couldn’t help but snicker in his usual villainous tone. You only got a few moments of the sound, though, before he hung up on you. You frowned. For some reason, you rather liked that laugh. Well, if he wanted to play this game with you again, you had no issue with that.

So, you pressed the button again.

“for the love of god, can’t you just, ya know, fuck off?”

“Not until you confirm that we’re friends.” You grinned with a stubborn glint in your eyes. “I even studied up on cruel and insensitive jokes! It’s going to be great!”

“...why are you so persistent about becoming friends with me?” There was a dangerous growl in his voice. You closed your eyes and thought for a moment.

“Do I really need a reason?” You laughed softly, smiling from the depths of your soul.

“...are you retarded?” He snarled. You huffed a sigh.

“Why did Susan get kicked out of the family restaurant?”

“...what?”

“Because she was an orphan.” You didn’t give him a single moment to react before continuing. As you talked, you heard rough chuckles in the background. “Why was Suzy so bad at baseball?”

“gunna hafta try harder than that. cause she didn’t know where home-”

“Because she had no arms, you insensitive prick.” You cut him off. “I must say, she was rather good at soccer, though.” You hated the fact that you were laughing. Your jokes were so bad! Yet, somehow it felt great. The offputting sound of maniacal laughter was wonderous. You loved it. He didn’t even hang up on you or anything.

The two of you laughed way longer than you should have.

“no arms!” He heaved out. “that doesn’t even...it’s so…” Sans dissolved back into giggles.

“Do you hear that?” You cut in abruptly.

“what?” He snapped to attention.

“I do believe that is the sound of our friendship level rising.” You gave the camera a triumphant smile. He still hadn’t hung up, so you gave yourself a mental high five and continued. “So you have to accept my friendship cookies.”

“what kind of logic is that?!”

“Mine.” You stated proudly.

“of course it is.” He groaned, but still didn’t hang up on you. It was going so well! But you had to get going. Still, you were baffled that you were actually going to have a proper conclusion to your conversation with this guy.

“I think I have to get going, honestly. I’ll just leave these here. I’ll drop by sometime to pick up the container, okay? So don’t throw it out. You’d be surprised how hard it is to find good cookie tins.”

“well that just about guarantees that i’m gunna toss it.”

“Ha! That means you ARE going to accept the cookies!”

“yeah. to throw them out.”

“...Well, I suppose they are a gift…” You couldn’t keep the disappointment off of your face. “That means you can do whatever you want with them. But still! Just, I don’t know, try a nibble of one! If you give it a chance, you might just like it!”

“...yeah. whatever. weren’t you finally leaving or something?”

“Rude. But yeah. Bye Edgy McGee!”

“it’s Sans and you damn well know it!”

“Whatever you say.” You stuck out your tongue one last time before throwing your helmet on and braving the weather once more.

*

Sans didn’t understand you. Being rude to people usually made them go _away_. Why did you keep coming back? It didn’t make sense.

He chuckled to himself. All he needed to do was confront you. That’d send you running. It would be easy.

But he couldn’t bring himself to do that.

He knew he should find your upbeat attitude annoying, but somehow it wasn’t. You were like a little ball of sunshine. And every ounce of that positivism was completely sincere. Why did you even bother to come back here?

Sans heard the muffled sound of your motorcycle pulling out of the parking lot. Good riddance. For some reason, the noise prompted him to teleport to the waiting room and pick up the tin of cookies. There was a sticky note with a big happy face drawn on it. He snorted at that.

The cookies were awful.

He ate them anyway.


	3. Getting Stabbed is NOT you Favourite Pastime!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are all so supportive, thank you. All of your comments really motivate me, and all of your kudos really warm my heart. I just want to say thank you for being such great people.
> 
> EDIT: I am so so so sorry! I forgot to credit Mentally+Manic for giving me the ideas for this chapter! Go thank them! I'm sorry for forgetting about that!

You had tried to wait a few days, but that hadn’t worked out very well. You had wanted to give him time and space, but that didn’t seem to be happening. You had tried to go for a walk to take your mind off the goddamn cookies, but your feet had led you directly to that apartment.

Well, if you were already at his place, there couldn’t be any harm in giving him a buzz…

You were grateful to step into the building. The heating purged the spring chills from your body and it felt oh so good. You had worn only a light jacket, but the droplets of mist in the air were quick to send chills throughout your body. You probably should’ve worn something warmer, but it was a pretty good excuse to stay when Sans would inevitably tell you to leave.

Inside the waiting room, you were surprised to see your cookie tin leaned up against that wall. It was just sitting there. Above it was a yellow sticky note. Carefully, you plucked the note from the wall and read. It was written in childish scrawl and, while it was had to read, it had some choice words to say about anybody that had the audacity to take your cookie tin.

For a long time, you just stood there reading the note over and over again. Each time, you giggled just a little bit harder. You were so happy. It was such a stupid reason to be happy, that someone returned a cookie tin, but somehow you couldn’t keep a warm smile off of your face. You decided to carefully put the note into your wallet.

With that over, you tucked the cookie tin under your arm and skipped over to mass of buttons. You froze just as your finger hovered over 402. Would Sans even be home? It _was_ the middle of the day after all.

Eh, whatever. No harm in trying!

A quick press was only returned with silence. You couldn’t keep a wave of disappointment from hitting you. It would make sense if he was out, you supposed...or taking a nap. He seemed like the kind of guy that could appreciate a good nap.

You pressed the button a few more times.

“402, huh?” You heard growled behind you. You turned around to see a blue fish person clad in a revealing torn belly-top and skintight leather pants. Her hair was scarlet and wild, only tamed slightly by her ponytail. And she had a goddamn eyepatch. You were awestruck by the awesomeness before you. “Seems like THOSE bastards aren’t home, huh punk. You an acquaintance of theirs?”

“If you’re meaning Sans and Papy-I mean GTP, then I’m their friend!” You stated proudly and without any hesitation. Maybe she would become your friend too!

“... _Friend_...?” Her face immediately contorted. “God those two must’ve become even softer than I THOUGHT!” She snapped her attention back to you with an aggressive snarl. Everything about her radiated ‘murder’. “Was it YOU who forced them to _befriend_ ,” The word seemed painful to her, “you?!”

“Of course it was. They’re pretty callus, so I needed to be quite forceful about it.” You replied honestly with a shrug. “I mean, they’re gre-OW FUCK! I was in the middle of my sentence! Rude!”

There was a blue spear stabbed through your chest. And it hurt. You didn’t like being stabbed.

“If you’re going to stab someone, at least give them some warning!” You chided. “How am I supposed to properly react to getting stabbed if you do it out of nowhere like that?”

The fish gave you a confused expression, which she quickly shrugged off as she summoned another spear and drove it right through your stomach. You gave her a look.

“What did I just say? At least warn me before you stab a bunch of magical sticks into my body. It’s the least you could do, ya know?” You tried to shift your pose, but the lodged spears made it difficult to move. You sighed. What a pain.

“...Uh...Aren’t you going to scream or something? Threaten to call the cops, maybe? Desperately cry for someone to help you?...Anything…?” The fish woman had another spear summoned, but her expression betrayed only confusion and disbelief.

“Are you actually going to allow me to do any of those things?” You gave her a pointed look and crossed your arms across your chest as best you could. The stupid spear was annoying.

“I...wasn’t planning on it, no.” She conceded.

“Exactly.” You sighed. “I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t sta-OW! What did I say about cutting me off with spears?! Did nobody teach you manners?!” Ugh, now you had one in your shoulder. Her attack was clearly higher than Eli’s, and that made the stinging just that much worse.

“...You said not to.” The fish answered softly, but then quickly shifted her expression back into a sadistic one. “AS IF I’D EVER LISTEN TO A WEAK HUMAN LIKE YOU!”

How annoying. That was four more lodged into your torso. It was really making it a hassle to move.

“Why do you guys all assume I’m weak?!” You grumbled to yourself. “Hey, just so ya know, anybody else would probably be dead by now. You should really reconsider stabbing random people. I mean, it _is_ against the law in every country. At least, I think so…”

And there went a few more spears happily digging themselves into your body. God this was getting painful.

She didn’t stop at stabbing you this time, though. The fish woman grabbed you by the neck and tossed you out through the glass door. You rolled across the pavement.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” Wow, she sounded really pissed. Which didn’t really make sense, since you were the one being stabbed and all.

“I think it’s a bit early in our relationship to delve into our deepest darkest secrets.” You forced your bruised limbs to push you up from the ground. The glass shards cut at your hands as your brushed them from your clothes. You were really bleeding a lot more than you had hoped. “Well, it’s been fun, but I’d better head home before you cripple me too badly.”

“...That’s it?” The fish muttered. “That’s all you have to say? What even makes you think I’m going to LET YOU?! I HAVE NO REASON TO LET YOU RUN AWAY!”

“Because you aren’t cruel.” You said it as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“...I just stabbed you! MULTIPLE TIMES!”

“Yeah, so? You were clearly holding back.” You couldn’t keep yourself from smiling. “You’re really strong, even I can tell that much. But your first few spears were a lot weaker than the ones you’re throwing now. I don’t think these ones are the strongest you have, either.”

“That doesn’t mean SHIT! You’re just a fragile weakling! I just don’t NEED to go all out!”

“If you say so…” You trailed off. “Either way, you never once had any intention of killing me, so of course I wouldn’t think you’re a cruel person. Just a bit...fierce.”

“...Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with you?” The violent fish woman sighed with a frustrated tone.

“More things than you know!” You laughed it off. “Seriously, I had better get going. If you ever want to spar again, just let me know! I’d be more than happy to!”

You left with an easy smile and a light hearted wave.

*

Undyne was speechless. She hadn’t lost...yet somehow she felt as though she had. She had just come to pick a fight with Sans. Why did she have to run into such a confusing human?!

You were the strangest person Undyne had ever met. Generally, people took offence to being stabbed. They would either react with fear or anger. But you, you reacted with complete and utter apathy!

Undyne couldn’t understand you. No matter how much she thought about it, she couldn’t understand you.

...

Maybe that friendship shit could be interesting.

*

“So, did you get your cookie tin back?” Eli asked as she shuffled in the door.

“Yup. I think Sans has long nails; there were some finger scratches near the rim.” You called back nonchalantly.

“What a weird thing to notice.”

“Oh, shuttup.” You peeked your head into the hallways and stuck your tongue out at her. She shook her head at you as she made her way to the kitchen. You heard her begin preperations for dinner, and then abruptly stop.

“Uh...___...why are there glass shards in the sink?” She sounded worried.

“A fish thew me through a glass door.” You answered boredly. You shrugged before going back to reading _Hard Times_.

“...A fish…?”

“A fish.”

“...A fish…”

“An edgy fish.”

“Ah. A fi...wait, what?!"


	4. More like TyFUN!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All you guys, thank you so much for all of your encouragement. It really means a lot to me, thank you. You're all my MVPs for this evening. And week. And foreeeeever.
> 
> Sorry it took so long for another chapter of this. Hope you like it!

Unfortunately, the weather decided to be a dick and be perfect for the next week. You could have gone over, you supposed, but last time you did that you had been skewered by a fish. It wasn’t a big deal, but you weren’t a masochist. You’d wait until crappy weather when the guard fish would 100% not be there.

Besides, if the weather was too good Sans would probably kick you out. Actually, there was no probably about that.

You grew into a habit of taking long looks up at the sky and scanning the pale sea above you for any sort of imperfect weather. Sometimes you found yourself mentally cheering on puffy little clouds and encouraging them to throw a party with their friends. None of them threw a party, but you didn’t hold it against them.

It did rain eventually, though, and when it did you skipped out of the house with a tin of cookies under your arm.

*

“okay, now i’m certain that you’re a fucking moron.”

“Nice to see you, too.” You pouted at the camera, removing your outer layer of drenched clothing. “I haven’t even done anything yet.”

“uh, yeah, ya came in this fucking weather.”

“Of course I did! It’s perfectly natural to hang out with your friends on rainy days! I even brought cookies!”

“it’s a typhoon.”

“That’s why I didn’t drive.” You said it as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“...you’re a whole new level of retarded.” He groaned and scraped two things against each other. You flinched at the sound.

“Nugya! Don’t do that. That sound is seriously messed up; it’s like nails on a chalkboard!”

“what? do you mean this?” He made the stupid sound again. Shivers ran up your spine, and they weren’t from the cold.

“Nnn yeeeeeah!” You whined in a childish tone. He laughed at your pain in a slightly more sadistic tone than usual. “Staaaaaaaaaaahp…”

“will you finally leave me alone then?”

“No.” You tried to sound defiant, but that noise was really getting to you so it came out more of as a whimper.

“aww, that’s too bad then.” He chuckled with an odd tone to his voice and continued with the obnoxious scratching. You glared at the camera, which he seemed to find even funnier.

“I even made cookies…” You whimpered dejectedly. The sound stopped.

“are ya gunna try ta pawn more of your shit cookies off on me?” He grumbled with much less threat than he seemed to be intending.

“Rude. They’re _friend_ shit cookies, thank you very much.” There was a small pause before Sans burst into a deep, uncontrolled laugh. It was oddly endearing. Very oddly.

With a happy hum, you held your finger above the call button. You waited and waited, your face slowly falling into stunned silence as you waited for the call to be cut off. It wasn’t.

Sans took a bit to regain his composure, only then noting your silence.

“what…?” His voice held a hint of worry.

“You,” You slowly turned to the camera, eyes wide with wonder, “are accepting my friendship!”

“no.” He stated simply before hanging up on you. Somehow, the action brought a soft smile to your face a whimsical chuckle to your lips. Sans was such a dick.

“Will you at least try my friendshit cookies?” You offered a few moments after pressing the button. “They’re ginger molasses!...I don’t know if I made them right, though. Are ginger molasses cookies supposed to be white?” You hummed in contemplation, questioning your cookies. Eli hadn’t said anything when you had asked her.

“hell no. how the fuck did you get them to be white?!” There was zero hesitation or pity in his voice. “actually, i really don’t want to know what ya think goes into making cookies.”

“It was a learning experience, okay?” You whined childishly. “Next time my cookies will be amazing.”

“doubtful.”

“I’ll definitely make good cookies one day. Definitely.” Your voice held a deep rooted sense of determination with a hint of grandeur. “Today may not be that day, but one day I will make the best goddamn cookies that have ever existed and then you will eat them! And then you will become so addicted to my cookies that you will become my friend!”

“okay, that’s pretty fucked up.” You daresay there was a halfhearted hint of _approval_ in his voice.

“Aw, thank you.”

“it wasn’t a compliment.”

“I know, but I’m going to pretend it was.”

“of course you are…” He sighed to himself, a much softer scraping sound barely making it’s way through the speaker. Was he...trying to be considerate?

“So...um...did you try any last time…?” You sheepishly asked.

“of course not.” He snorted quickly. You nodded to yourself. Of course he hadn’t.

You took a deep breath and banished the disappointment.

“This time, give them a try!” You insisted. “I’ll keep making them until you actually try them, okay? Every time I come, I’m going to keep dumping friendshit cookies on you until you give up and accept them!”

“it’s not going to happen.”

“I have hope!”

“i’m sure you do.”

From there, the conversation quickly dissolved into friendly banter. He insulted you a lot, but it didn’t seem very sincere and actually seemed to be his way of opening up to you. You were horribly unprepared for some of the more crude jokes he threw at you, and the more sexual ones went over your head completely. He always stammered a bit after one of them failed to land.

The conversation was more than just jokes and banter, though; you two even exchanged a few stories. He was actually really good at listening, and saved his sassy comments until there was a natural break in your flow. He was a pretty aggressive storyteller, but you found his stories much more exciting just from the way he told them. You really had a good time talking with him.

He didn’t hang up on you, even when the sun burst through the clouds and banished the rain.

“Honestly, I should get going.” You eventually resigned, looking out at cleared sky. “My sister was going to the store to get some stuff for dinner and I should get home before she does. She can get a little worried sometimes, which is fair considering what happened last time I was here.”

“...uh, nothing really happened last time...unless she's mad about crappy jokes..???” Sans seemed to be fairly confused by your statement.

“Oh, right! You weren’t here! Well, she kinda doesn't like crappy jokes either, but that's not why. I stopped by here about a week ago to pick up my cookie tin, but you weren’t here. I met a fish lady instead. She stabbed me a few times and threw me through the door there. It wasn’t really a big deal, but my sister has insisted that I be more careful from now on.” You recapped quickly. “So, sorry I can’t stay longer.” You doubted he wanted you to.

“...W H A T…?” His voice took on a much darker and threatening tone. You gave him a confused look.

“My sister wants me to be more careful…?” You tried to clarify, but he didn’t respond. “Well, either way, it was really fun talking with you! You have to try my cookies this time, okay?” Silence. “Okay, well, um, bye then!”

“...bye.” It was much more aggressive than you had ever heard the word uttered before, but you decided to ignore that.

With one last smile and a happy wave, you skipped out into the sunshine and back towards home.

*

With a house of a certain acquaintance's collapsed and burning behind him, Sans took a bite out of a cookie.

They were still awful.


	5. Chance Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, I was trying to figure out how to introduce Eli and Papyrus to each other, and every option relating to options in RRGA didn't feel right, so this happened.
> 
> No reader or Sans here, but I like to think it's entertaining enough.

Papyrus was annoyed.

Well, to be fair, he was regularly annoyed by many things, but the annoyance he was dealing with now was one of the most annoying things he found about the surface.

“WELL? OUT WITH IT!” He glared down at the human shopkeep. She was trembling in that disgusting manner humans used to project their insecurities and had begun producing the sickening eye liquids humans used to project their frailty.

“Um..I am so sorry...sir. I think...we’re...out…” She whimpered in a pathetic voice.

“DO YOU AT LEAST HAVE AN EXPLANATION FOR YOUR SHORTAGES?” Papyrus sneered. “NO? SO IT WAS MERE INCOMPETENCE?”

“I’m so sorry! There was probably just a shipping error!” She took a few steps back, her eyes wide with fear. Typical human.

“BRING ME YOUR COMMANDER. I HAVE A FEW WORDS-”

“Excuse me, sir, could I trouble you to move over a slight bit?” A voice cut him off. A _human_ voice cut him off.

Papyrus’ head snapped to the newcomer in the conversation. It was another human girl, though clearly more mature and dignified than the useless shopkeep. Everything about her was orderly; from her hair to her short heels, not a single thing was out of place. She even toted her grocery basket in a dainty manner.

Her eyes were calm yet focused. She stared up at him with a clear and unclouded gaze.

He daresay she was almost respectable.

...For a human.

“Sir? I apologize for butting in, but I can’t reach the pasta with you standing there.” She repeated with a steady expression.

“WHY SHOULD I, THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE PAPYRUS, FEEL COMPELLED TO CONVENIENCE YOU, HUMAN?” He huffed, rearing on the new human. She didn’t even so much as flinch as he loomed over her.

He did note that the worthless storekeep took that moment to flee. Typical human.

“Eleanore.” The new human corrected.

“WHAT?”

“My name is Eleanore, so please don’t call me ‘human’. It’s pretty racist if you think about it.” The human walked around Papyrus’ domineering pose, disregarding his attempt at intimidation, and stopped to look over the shelf of pasta he had previously been standing in front of. “Thanks for moving, by the way.”

“THAT WAS HARDLY FOR _YOUR_ CONVENIENCE, HUMAN.” Papyrus snarled as he eyed the human.

“Why you moved is irrelevant, Skeletor.” She waved off his remark effortlessly. “Hmm? Do they not have any left…?”

“SKELETOR?! HOW DARE YOU REFER TO THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE PAPYRUS BY SUCH AN AWFUL TITLE!”

“Well if you’re not going to call me by my name, then I’m not going to call you by yours.” She stated nonchalantly. “Now, if you haven’t anything better to do, then can you help me find the Unica spaghetti noodles?”

“ARE YOU MOCKING ME?!”

“No. I’m asking for your help. Whether you give it to me or not is completely up to you...now where _are_ those noodles?”

Papyrus couldn’t believe the human’s gall! Not only was she completely apathetic towards his threatening tone, but she was also suggesting that he stoop so low as to assist a human! He would have no part in her japes!

“I guess I’ll have to get the Barilli ones. They’re not bad if you infuse a little magic…” She mumbled to herself, completely ignoring the aggravated skeleton behind her.

Papyrus would teach this human to ignore a revered member of the Royal Guard. He would beat respect into her fragile human skull. How DARE she treat him, the Great and Terrible Papyrus with such apathy!

He grabbed her arm, intending to grab her throat with his other hand. Of course, he had no intentions of causing her permanent harm; just enough pain to solidify that monsters weren’t - that HE wasn’t - a force to be treated so lightly.

He had not expected her to effortlessly twist her arm out of his grasp, pull him off balance, knock his kneecaps into buckling, swiftly kick him in his exposed spine, and then pin him to the ground with a heel digging into the back of his neck.

“It isn’t polite to grab a lady so harshly, you know.” She chided from above his prostrating form. “I know you monsters all seem to think you’re - pardon my language - ‘the shit’, but that does not mean you can go around grabbing any human that somehow offends you. Now,” A humming magical sword stabbed the ground beside Papyrus’ skull, “if you don’t mind, today has been quite stressful. I’ll let you off with a warning for now, but do try to be more civilized.”

The sword vanished and the pressure against his vertebrae was relieved. There was a soft clicking of heels as the dignified human calmly made her way to the next aisle.

Papyrus stayed on the ground for much longer than he should have. He blamed such behaviour on shock.

It had nothing to do with the orange tinge to his cheekbones.

*

“oh hey boss…” Papyrus’ whelp of a brother greeted him nervously as he walked in the door. Papyrus couldn’t be bothered to reply. He needed time to himself.

Oh, that was why the whelp sounded so nervous. He’d made a mess of the livingroom. Again.

His brother flinched as Papyrus stormed over to him. Rightfully so. The slob was constantly making the apartment filthy like some sort of animal, and Papyrus would have none of that. If his brother was going to behave like an animal, then he deserved to be punished like one.

But Papyrus hesitated and lowered his hand.

His brother watched his fist lower with a nervous expression, sweat beading on his skull.

“CLEAN THIS UP IMMEDIATELY.” Papyrus demanded, turning away from his brother and walking to the kitchen with a small growl. His brother watched him with wide, disbelieving eye sockets.

Papyrus slammed the package of Berilli noodles onto the counter, angrily reading the instructions. It made no mention of adding magic, but Papyrus had a slight inclination to take that liberty.

Eleanore, huh? She was quite the woman.

Papyrus almost wished to meet her again. Almost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yeeeeeah. I just finished watching this show called voltron. It was great. I've come to the conclusion that anything can be made better with the addition of robots in space.
> 
> Should I do an Outertale AU (with mechas) version of RRGA and RRGFY? It seems like it could be either really fun or really stupid.


	6. So Call Me, Maybe?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dunno. I'm tired.
> 
> Let me know if this is stupid.

Every single time you went over to see Sans, you brought a tin of cookies without fail. You liked to think that you were improving, but you couldn’t really be sure. Eli had eventually resigned to the fact that the kitchen would be destroyed about once a week in your attempts at baking.

No matter how many times you failed, you always remained positive. Failure is just a precursor to success, after all. If you tried hard enough for long enough, then there was no way that you wouldn’t improve.

Sans still hadn’t tried your cookies, but you’d make sure the best ones in the world would be there waiting for him on the day that he did.

*

“I won’t even touch anything in the kitchen! I promise! And Eli’s really good at cooking!” You tried to reassure Sans through the intercom.

“that’s your sister, right?” When you gave him a confirming nod, he continued in a cynical tone. “yeah, i wouldn’t trust anybody even remotely related to you with making my food; we’d all be dead by the second bite.”

“Rude.”

“thanks, i try.” He replied snidely. “this is, what, your tenth time asking? just take a fucking hint already. it’s never gunna happen.”

“Pretty please?” You decided not to take a hint. And it was actually your twelfth.

“...no.” He seemed to groan in exasperation. “listen kid, just give up already. it’s just a waste of everybody’s time.”

“...It’s not, but I’ll let it drop for now.” You heaved a sigh and gave him an exaggeratedly disappointed expression. You thought for a brief moment before effortlessly changing topics. “So, you never finished telling me that story about the guy you were extorting.”

“uh, you’re gunna hafta be a bit more specific there.” It came out as a low rumble, but there was still a hint of apprehension. It had taken a while before he’d admitted to some of his...shadier dealings.

“Umm...I think it had something to do with a rich college student.” You tapped a finger to your chin. “Jeremy, maybe?”

“oh! that guy! that guy was a riot. you see, he was a little bit of a playboy. and by that, i mean he fucked every broad with a pulse. so i go to collect, and wouldn’t you know it, he’s trying to seduce a girl at the bar. well, what the retard thought was a girl…”

You loved the way he told stories. His language was rough with no poeticism or tact, but it was completely genuine. You couldn’t help but give him your complete attention, even if the stories were very crude at times. Sometimes you couldn’t pick up on the jokes, but you always laughed at the ones you did.

Everything was reaching the climax when GTP’s yell resounded through the speaker, cutting off Sans and dragging his attention away.

“SANS! FOR THE LAST TIME, PICK UP YOUR FUCKING SOCK!” The familiar hostile voice rang through the speaker.

“if he wants it cleaned up that bad, what doesn’t he just fucking do it himself…” Sans grumbled to himself. You could hear shuffling as he abandoned you.

You waited and waited, eventually singing a kids song to yourself just to pass the time. Apparently it took a long time to put away a sock.

“WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP ALREADY?!” You jumped a little at GTP’s voice. “IT’S IRRITATING ENOUGH THAT YOU LOITER ABOUT AND POLLUTE THE AIR WITH YOUR MINDLESS CHATTER!”

“Aw, I’m sorry GTP. I’ll try to be quieter next time.” Then a thought occurred to you. “Actually, if you gave me Sans’ number, then I wouldn’t have to hang around here.”

GTP seemed to consider his options.

“It’ll make me exclusively your brother’s problem.” You coaxed enticingly.

“VERY WELL. I’LL RECITE IT ONCE, AND ONCE ONLY.”

“That’s more than enough. Thank you so much GTP! You’re the best!”

“...O-OF COURSE I AM! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE TALKING TO?!” He stammered a bit and his voice was a bit more tender than usual. Aww.

And that was how you got Sans’ number.

…

You backspaced the final ‘s’ in his name and replaced it with a ‘z’. Much edgier.

*

_Sanz_  
**for the love of god stop sending me recipes!**

_Friendshit Cookie_  
**Come over for dinner :D**

_Sanz_  
**fuck you**

_Friendshit Cookie_  
**Ooo I found one for a quiche!**

_Sanz_  
**...**

_Friendshit Cookie_  
**We could totally make one together when you come over for dinner. Or we could make cookies. Your call.**

_Sanz_  
**how little of a life do you have? i’m seriously asking**

_Friendshit Cookie_  
**About a year. So we should make cookies then? A quiche would be probably be healthier, but cookies are more delicious.**

_Sanz_  
**or you could make nothing and your guests would live to see another day**

_Friendshit Cookie_  
**Fair enough. Which one should I get Eli to make for when you come over, then?**

_Sanz_  
**i should just block you...**

_Friendshit Cookie_  
**Please come over? It’ll be really fun.**

_Sanz_  
**no. just fuck off already...**

_Friendshit Cookie_  
**GTP could come, too, if you wanted. I’m sure him and Eli would get along great!**

_Sanz_  
**yeah, as if. nothing’s sexier than someone as narcissistic and self important as him**

_Friendshit Cookie_  
**Well...I’m sure she’d be able to deal with him some way or another. So please come. I really really want you to come over. It would really mean alot to me if you came.**

_Sanz_  
**why do you even care?!**

_Friendshit Cookie_  
**...I just...really want to meet you. Because you’re my friend.**

_Sanz_  
**...if i say yes, will you cut it with the spam text crap?**

_Friendshit Cookie_  
**:D I would I would!**

_Sanz_  
**friday 7pm**

_Friendshit Cookie_  
**Thank you so much! I’m so happy! Thank you! It’ll be the best day ever!**

_Sanz_  
**yeah, yeah, whatever**

_Friendshit Cookie_  
**< 3<3<3**

*

Sans didn’t know why he had agreed. It was stupid. Why would he even want to go over for dinner?

It wasn’t like your texts had been all that annoying, either. They were long, sure, but more informative than anything. Sans would never admit to you that he had actually used a few of them. They had been a decent change from spaghetti and burgers.

Sans heaved a sigh. He hadn’t really agreed to be your friend or anything, but he knew you really wouldn’t keep pushing for it after, what, Friday? Welp, you were the one that wanted to meet with him so badly.

He laughed darkly.

He’d miss your shit cookies.


	7. It's the Best Day Ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, it's a note.
> 
> So my sister wanted me to pick up cheetos on my way home, so I be like 'sure man'. Got her the biggest bag I could find. She looked like fucking UT Papyrus on Christmas when she realized the bag was as big as her torso.
> 
> I'm the best sister ever.

The best day ever had arrived. First thing in the morning, you had rolled up your sleeves and were determined to make the best cookies ever. You had pulled out all the ingredients and had a recipe open and were ready to test your baking prowess.

And then Eli had come into the kitchen and noticed your intent. She had promptly removed your from the premises.

You had moped about for a while after that.

“If you quit moping and get mopping, then you’ll get your silly cookies.” Eli eventually offered, mop and bucket in hand.

That day, you awakened as the Goddess of Cleaning Duty.

*

When you heard obnoxious bickering approaching your front door, you could barely contain your excitement. By the time they knocked, your hand was already gripping the door handle and pulling the door open.

“You guys came!” Your voice contained unrestrained joy with a tiny bit of surprise. Eli hadn’t had very much faith that they’d show up.

You vaguely registered that they were in fact skeletons as you flew through the air towards the shorter, not talking one. The tall guy, clearly GTP from his voice, was saying something insulting or something, but you didn’t really care.

“Sans!” You glomped your bestest friend ever. “I knew you’d come!”

“what the fuck’re ya doin?! get the fuck offa me!” He caught you and immediately tried to pry you from him. “stop it!”

You gave Sans one last tight hug before you let yourself be tossed back into the house. You popped back up instantly and struck a dramatic pose.

“Today you will eat friendship cookies!” Your eyes were sparkling as you invited them in. “Eli made them so they’ll totally be super awesome and amazing!”

“IF THAT’S BY _YOUR_ STANDARDS, THEN THAT’S HARDLY REASSURING.” GTP quipped in a disgusted tone. He was clearly unamused. “CLEARLY YOU LACK THE BRAINPOWER TO UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FOOD AND SLUDGE.”

“Oh, how rude. Are you implying that my food would comparable to sludge?” Eli came up behind you and glanced between your guests, her concerned expression softening. In contrast, GTP seemed to stiffen up immediately. “I assure you that it’s nothing like this kitchen disaster here.”

“Hey…” You protested softly as she ruffled your hair.

“I-I’LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT!” GTP snarled after a moment, stepping forward intimidatingly. Sans seemed to cower away from his brother.

“Judge away.” She stared back up at him unflinchingly. “___, dinner won’t be ready for a little bit. Want to take your friend out for a little playdate? I think I have a cooking lesson to teach.”

Oh.

May God have mercy on his soul.

She was giving him a cooking lesson. A _cooking lesson_. He must’ve really pissed her off somehow.

“C’mon Sans! Let’s go for a walk!” You grabbed his hand and pulled him along behind you. “Bye Eli! Bye GTP!”

“what the fuck?! why would i wanna go anywhere with you?!” Despite saying that, he was fairly compliant with being dragged across the street to the park. He did tug his hand out of yours though. “jesus christ just stop for a moment. the fuck is your problem?!”

“Eli’s giving a cooking lesson.” You gave him a serious expression. “That’s _never_ a good sign. I say we book it as fast as we can as far away as we can as quickly as we can.”

Sans studied your face for a moment before letting out a deep sigh.

“...whatever.” He grumbled, shoving his hands into his pockets. You pouted for a moment, but then hooked your arm around his and pulled him along that way.

He let out a demeaning insult in protest, but you were already dragging him along.

You were going to make this the best playdate ever.

*

“GIVE ME THAT!” Papyrus snatched Sans’ phone from him.

“i’m tellin’ ya this is the place!” Sans growled, wildly pointing at the address numbers above your garage. “the damn number is right there and everything!”

“YOUR DISGUSTING HUMAN WENCH MUST’VE SENT THE WRONG ADDRESS!” Papyrus angrily tossed the phone back and Sans barely caught it. He shot a glare up at his younger brother. “I WOULDN’T PUT IT PAST THAT PATHETICALLY FEEBLE LITTLE BRAIN OF HERS TO FUCK UP SOMETHING THIS SIMPLE.”

“she ain’t stupid.” Sans couldn’t hold back a snarl. He might call you stupid on a regular basis, but for some reason he really didn’t like it when other people said it. “just knock on the damn door!”

“WHY ME?! BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO FUCKING LAZY?!” Papyrus was clearly irritated by Sans’ backtalk. “I GUESS IT _WOULD_ TAKE SOMEONE AS STUPID AS HER TO FIND ANY SORT OF REDEEMING FEATURES IN YOUR PATHETIC EXISTENCE!”

“i said she isn’t stupid!” He didn’t know why he was so irritated by that.

“YOUR STANDARD FOR INTELLIGENCE MUST BE EVEN LOWER THAN YOUR STANDARDS FOR YOURSELF.” Papyrus snorted.

Papyrus was still talking, droning on about your idiocy, but by that point the door had opened and you were flying through the air at Sans.

He didn’t know what to do, so he caught you? And then you started clinging to him. You were so soft and warm…

Hugging you wasn’t unpleasant.

Frantically, he tried to push you off of him. He shouldn’t like it.

“Sans! I knew you’d come!” You sounded so happy to see him. Why were you happy? Were you blind? You didn’t seem blind.

“what the fuck’re ya doin?! get the fuck offa me! stop it!” He snarled without thinking. He didn’t really want you to let go.

The moment you’d calm down for two fucking seconds you’d be flinching away like every other fucking human on the fucking face of the Earth.

All of a sudden, you stopped resisting. Sans really hadn’t expected that and had accidentally tossed you back into your house with a loud thump. He froze. That...could’ve gone better…

But then you popped back up from the ground without any sort of shift in attitude; you were still on fucking cloud nine.

...Okay, whatever you were on, Sans wanted some of it.

You took a good long look at them. Sans slouched into his jacket. He didn’t care what you thought. So what if he was a fucking violent monster with no redeeming qualities? It wasn’t like he wanted to be your friend or anything.

“Today you will eat friendship cookies!” Wait, what? “Eli made them so they’ll totally be super awesome and amazing!”

And you just...didn’t give a fuck? Sans couldn’t help but stare at you. You were looking right at him, but you honestly had no reaction. At all.

Seriously, what the fuck was wrong with you?

Sans flinched when he was snapped out of his daze as Papyrus stepped forward challengingly towards...your sister he was going to assume. He had really missed way too much of the conversation.

“Judge away.” Your sister was one ballsy motherfucker. She was totally giving Papyrus a ‘come at me bro’ look. “___, dinner won’t be ready for a little bit. Want to take your friend out for a little playdate? I think I have a cooking lesson to teach.”

You looked mortified at that thought. Ha. Of course you would.

“C’mon Sans! Let’s go for a walk!” Okay, what were you doing?! You were just grabbing his hand like it was nothing. “Bye Eli! Bye GTP!”

Your hand was soft and warm, too. It wasn’t unpleasant to hold.

Wait, no.

“what the fuck?! why would i wanna go anywhere with you?!” Why was he saying this to you? “jesus christ just stop for a moment. the fuck is your problem?!”

You stopped. Shit.

“Eli’s giving a cooking lesson.” You looked over your shoulder with the most serious expression he’d ever seen you make. “That’s _never_ a good sign. I say we book it as fast as we can as far away as we can as quickly as we can.”

...What?

That...was all you cared about? Sans’ eyelights studied your features. Huh. You didn’t care at all that he was a scary, rude skeleton monster. You really didn’t.

“...whatever.” He grumbled, putting his hands back into his pockets. He wouldn’t’ve minded holding your hand again, but he’d burned that bridge pretty thoroughly.

But then you looped your arm around his.

It wasn’t unpleasant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaaaaaay it's 3am...
> 
> Man, I can barely read right now. Tell me all the shit that's wrong with it please.


	8. A Walk in the Park

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part one of their walk in the park.
> 
> I hadn't written anything for this in a while, so sorry about that. This is a little short, but I'll get the second half of it out soon.
> 
> As always, please let me know what you think and if there is anything I should go back in to change.
> 
> Thank you so much for being patient with me.

“No! I’m serious! Eli’s really good at cooking, make no mistake, but her lessons are really really scary!” You protested for what felt like the millionth time as you walked through the park. Sans just wasn’t believing you.

“okay, i could see cookin’ with _you_ bein’ fuckin’ scary as hell. might even have a few casualties. but your sister?” He snorted. “well, let’s just say you’re an easy act ta follow.”

“Hey, I’m not _that_ bad at cooking.”

“sure, and i’m santa claus.” He said it with clear sarcasm, but you immediately looked over at him with childish excitement.

“ _Sans_ ta Claus!” You clapped your hands together rapidly at the stupid pun.

“no.” Sans shot the idea down immediately. There was no amusement in his voice.

“You have to wear the suit at Christmas, okay? It’ll be amazing!”

“not a fuckin’ chance.”

“C’mon, red is totally your colour.”

“i said no dammit!”

You turned around and looked at him with a devious smile.

“This is a thing that is going to happen.”

“no it fucking isn’t!”

“We’ll see about that.”

He didn’t say anything in response, but did grumble a bit to himself. You continued mindlessly chattering with him, in much the same way you had with him over the intercom, and he seemed to get more comfortable with it as your walk wore on. It was easy to tell how uncomfortable he felt based on the tone of his insults.

It made you happy that you could finally talk face to face with him, though it was pretty weird that he couldn't hang up on you. You noticed a couple times the moments where he probably would've if he could've, but it wasn't because he was frustrated with you. You couldn't keep from smiling to yourself when you realized that you had been wrong about that.

As the two of you passed by a pond, you suddenly cut yourself off and stopped walking. Sans gave you a questioning glance.

“Oh my god. Sans.” You turned to him with wide eyes filled with sparkles. He acknowledged you with a grunt. “Let’s go look at the duckies!”

You bounced up and down excitedly and didn’t wait for an answer before grabbing his hand and dragging him off the path down to the water. He didn’t really protest beyond an annoyed eye roll and an exasperated huff, though.

You crouched down next to the edge of the water and cooed about how cute the little ducklings were, with their bitty beaks and tiny quacks. You even got some feed out of the dispensers and fed the little quackers. Sans refused to participate.

Suddenly, angry honking erupted behind you and then a swan surrounded by red magic was tossed through the air into the center of the pond. You craned your neck to look behind you, only to see Sans floofed up and on edge, magic sparking.

You immediately burst into laughter and fell over from your crouching position.

“what?!” He snarled. Any sense of intimidation you may have gotten from him was completely ruined by the light red dusting his cheeks(?).

“You can’t just toss a swan.” You giggled, waving wildly towards the direction the swan had gone.

“apparently i fuckin’ can.” He huffed. “it was askin’ for it.”

Before you could reply, a flurry of white feathers descended from the sky directly at Sans. He dodged the swan's assault and immediately went to counterattack.

“Don’t you dare hurt it!” You warned.

“or what?” He sneered, but held off on his attack.

“Or else I’m cooking dinner.”

“...you can’t be serious.”

“Try me.”

“...gah, FUCK!”

A few moments later, he completely disappeared. You blinked. The swan seemed just as confused as you were.

You stood up and dusted off your pants. Time to use your mad tracking skills to find yourself an edgy skeleton.

*

You found him sulking on a swing in an old playground.

With a smirk, you danced around behind him and gave him a small push. He lost his balance for a moment and he snapped to face you with a loud snarl. Apparently, he had been lost in thought or something and hadn't noticed you approach. You smiled apologetically.

“Sorry, didn't mean to _push_ my luck there.” You gently pushed in time with his slow swaying. “You alright?”

“fan-fuckin-tastic.” He grumbled sarcastically, and then added under his breath. “stupid bird.”

“Hey, you’re the one that threw it.”

“i told ya, it was askin’ for it!” He planted his feet on the ground and stopped his swinging. “and then ya just had to come along and say not to fuckin’ fight back!”

He grumbled to himself, but stopped immediately when you hugged him.

“...Thank you for listening to me.”

The sentence hung in the air.

“n-not like i had a fucking choice!” He squirmed uncomfortably. “it was way better than eating shit made by you.”

“I told you, I’m not _that_ bad at cooking, dammit!” You dragged him backwards in your hug, ignoring his protests, and then swung him forwards with a strong push.

Before he could drag his feet to a stop, you hopped on behind him, placing one foot on either side of him on the wooden seat. He let out a low rumble, but otherwise didn’t protest.

The two of you swung back and forth, looking out at the sun setting behind the city.


	9. Flower Queen

“Hey! It’s perfectly normal to feel sick after all that rocking back and forth!” You threw a fistful of grass at Sans in a half-hearted retaliation to his teasing. The sun had long since slipped below the horizon, but it’s dying glow still stained the sky above.

“it’s pretty pathetic and you know it.” He seemed to chuckle to himself. A moment later, you were sputtering flowers out of your mouth.

“Sans!”

“what?” He played innocent despite clearly laughing mere seconds earlier.

“You murdered the flowers!” You held their corpses in your hands, half mourning the loss of their beauty and half wondering where Sans had found so many flowers to grab. Your curiosity was immediately sated when you noticed the distinctive lack of flowers in the flowerbed next to the criminal.

You gave him a huffy glare.

“just doing the same thing as you did.” He shrugged, grinning at your expression.

“Yeah...but...uh...you...you’re wasting flowers!” You struggled and then pointed accusingly at the flowerbed.

“...so?”

“They were making the world pretty!” Your argument was paper thin and you knew it. “You know what? I’m making you a flower crown so that our fallen flower friends may find meaning in their mutilated state!”

“i literally just picked some flowers, sweetheart. trust me, i know how to mutilate.” He was laughing, hand covering his face.

You puffed up your cheeks. He was totally laughing at you! Well, you’d show him! You’d make the best damn flower crown ever!

…

...So...uh...how exactly do people make flower crowns?

…

You stared at the flowers before you. Did you need...glue or something? Maybe some tape?

No no no, flower crown were obviously woven. You totally knew that. No, you hadn’t checked your phone. And Sans most definitely wasn’t cackling maniacally at your struggles, either. Nope. He was totally staring in awe of your mad weaving skills!

As Sans pounded the ground gasping for air (because of a totally awesome joke you told or something and NOT because of your “weaving”), you stuffed a fistful of grass down the back of his shirt. He made a surprised yip and then tried vainly to grab the blades. After that proved ineffective, he stood up and shook, resembling a dog drying itself off after climbing out of some water.

You burst into laughter at that image. Sans glared, but you could see the smile twitching at the corners of his mouth. That smile quickly turned sinister as he glanced above you. You were only under a tree. Your confused look was met by a flare of magic and an outstretched hand.

With a flick of his wrist, you were knocked over and buried in a pile of leaves.

“Sans!” You rolled around, trying to get up. “Don’t destroy the trees either!” You couldn’t keep the laugh out of your voice.

“and why not?” His tone was both arrogant and playful.

“Because trees need the leaves to make air happen!”

After a moment of silence, he burst into a deep, heartfelt laugh. You managed to peek out of your leafy prison quickly enough to catch sight of a genuine smile gracing his lips(?) before he covered it with a hand.

“ya ain’t exactly a science person, are ya?” He repeated your comment to himself and burst into another bout of uncontrolled laughter. It was a nice laugh.

“Oh shush you!” You tried to throw leaves at him. It worked about as well as throwing a flat piece of paper. “You’re destroying the breathable-air-makers!”

“that really sounds like a you problem, now doesn’t it?”

You gave him a confused look.

“i’m a skeleton. breathing optional.”

“...That’s cheating!” You popped out of the leaf pile, ready to say more when your phone went off.

Pulling it from your pocket, you read the new text. It was from Eli. Apparently her cooking lesson was over and GTP had learned _many_ things this glorious evening. You were certain he had.

“Seems like Eli and GTP are done with their cooking lesson now. We should probably head back for dinner, then.” You glanced up at Sans who shrugged. “I should probably reply first, though. Just to make sure the lesson is 100% for sure done.”

Sans snorted at your worrying, but he had never had a cooking lesson with Eli. This was a very serious matter. Thus, you decided to reply to the text with a bunch of emojis. You can never have too many emojis.

Sans was oddly patient while you struggled with the unfamiliar keyboard. And quiet. Had you not been debating between two nearly identical little smiley guys, you would’ve probably questioned whether he was even still there.

“I think that should be good…” You mumbled to yourself as you hit send.

“took ya long enough.” Sans ruffled your hair, much to your displeasure, and walked past you. “better get going then.”

“But we should wait until Eli con-...???” You had reached up to fix your hair, but that definitely wasn’t the texture of hair. With great curiosity, you gently lifted whatever it was off of your head and stared.

It was the prettiest flower crown you had ever seen.

“hurry the hell up or i’m leaving you here.” Sans chided, not quite looking at you. It may have been a play of the light, but you could’ve sworn that his cheeks were glowing red.

“Coming!” You smiled, cheerily running to catch up. "But if we walk in on Eli's cooking lesson, I'm blaming you."

You put the flower crown back onto your head, feeling every bit as beautiful as the prettiest flowers. You were the flower queen now.

As the two of you made your way back to your house, Sans glanced over. He immediately looked down at the ground and glared.

“you look stupid.”

“Thanks.”


	10. You Sure it Isn't a Cult?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried.

“We’re back!” You called as you kicked off your shoes and skipped into the house. As long as Papyrus had submissively done exactly as Eli instructed from the very beginning of her lesson then mayb-...

“Oh! Welcome home, my lovely sister. How was your little playdate?” Eli smiled over at you as you froze in the doorway to the kitchen.

“it wasn’t a fucking da-”

“What happened here?! I distinctly remember a wall being there!” You ignored Sans and pointed dramatically at...what was left of the entire back half of your house.

“Learning.” She sipped at her cup of tea. “Skeletor did a lot of learning this fine evening, didn’t you Skeletor?”

“YES MA’AM!” He agreed much too quickly. “THE VERY GREATEST LEARNING EXPERIENCES WERE HAD!”

“See? Learning.” She nodded in approval. “Isn’t it great to have such eager students?”

You glanced back at Sans, looking for support in the fact that this wasn’t normal. He was mostly preoccupied with being incredibly worried about something, but he did share your disbelief...though was much sweatier about it.

“Come. Dine with us, my dearest sister.” Eli gestured to the grand meal set out on the table with a smile, then patted the chair next to herself. “Skeletor and I have prepared nothing short of a masterpiece for you two, haven’t we Skeletor?”

“YES MA’AM!” He squeaked, fear flashing in his eyes as her predatory gaze looked to him for confirmation. “ONLY THE VERY BEST WOULD DO FOR OUR DEAREST SIBLINGS!”

Well, the promise of food was all you needed to ignore the hostage-like subtext of the conversation and troop towards the table. Sans grabbed your wrist and stopped you.

“okay, i dunno if ya noticed with that thick skull of yours…” He began in a hushed tone, pausing and raising a brow when you burst into laughter.

“Hah...aaaahhh...skull. Pff. Skeleton, skull.” You laughed to yourself, then froze a moment later. “Oh crap, was that offensive?!”

“no.”

“Oh, well that’s good.” You logged that for future reference. “Anyways, you were saying?”

“yes, as i was sayin,” He rolled his eyes, but you could’ve sworn he twitched a smile, “this whole situation is fuckin’ shady as hell. seriously. what the fuck happened here? to your kitchen? to papyrus?! why am i suddenly his ‘dearest sibling’?! this is fuckin’ weird. he would only say somethin that weird if...oh shit, does your sister happen to run a cult?!”

“Not that I know of…”

“well _that’s_ reassuring.”

“I would notice if she did, right?”

“...well…” He tilted his head with raised brows. “if it's you we're talkin’ about…”

“I would! I'm not _that_ dumb!” You pouted. “No, there isn't any cult. Probably. I mean, Papyrus _did_ just have a cooking lesson with her. All things considered, I'm pretty surprised he isn't sobbing in the corner.”

“...okay, what the actual fuck. what the hell could she _possibly_ do in a fucking cooking lesson?!”

“Oh...oh honey…” You grimaced and patted his cheek. He made a displeased expression. “Let’s just hope you never find out, alright?”

You headed back to the table, and Sans followed hesitantly shortly after you. He took the seat farthest from Eli, and scooted a little further away once he sat down. He eyed her distrustfully, glancing between her, his brother, and the food on his plate.

While Sans was busy poking at his food like he thought it was going to attack him, you did what people were supposed to do with food; eat it.

“so is it poisoned or what?” Sans whispered to you.

“What? I don’t think so…?”

“then what the fuck did they do to it.”

“Maybe it’s just food. Yummy food. Try it.”

“no way. there’s definitely somethin’ goin’ on here. ya sure there ain’t a cult?”

“No cult...but,” You smirked, “we do have _cult_ lets!”

Both of you tried to muffle your laughter. Eli raised an eyebrow in your direction.

“oi. shut the fuck up or we’ll get caught.” He was still smiling.

“You’re the one with the loud laughter. If we’re caught by the pun haters, it’ll be 99% your fault.”

“didn’t laugh.”

“Oh my god, yes you did. I heard you!”

“nope.” He stabbed a cutlet with his fork and glared at it. “ya sure this ain’t poisoned?”

“I already ate one! No! They aren’t poisoned! Probably!” You whisper-yelled. “They’re really good. You should try them.”

“i don’t exactly trust your sense of taste...”

“And why not?!”

He gave you a look.

“...? What?”

He rolled his eyes then nibbled at the cutlet. After mere moments, he froze and his fork dropped from his hand with a clatter.

“Sans?! You okay?!”

“...-at the fuck.”

“Sans???”

“what the actual fuck.” He turned to you, the choirs of heaven singing in his soul. “it’s _good_.”

“Um...yeah…that’s what I said...”

“no. you don’t get it. it’s _good_.” The choirs were singing so emotionally that they were sobbing. “i’ve lived offa burgers and fries for so long i forgot that there were other foods besides salty charcoal.”

“But I thought...you said Papyrus was good at cooking?”

“lies. all lies. he’s only slightly better than you.”

“Hey. When did I become the standard for bad cooking?”

Papyrus cleared his throat. Sans immediately realized that your hushed tones had become rather loud, and you felt his soul fall into panic.

“b-boss, i-i didn’t mean it...like….that…” His skull beaded with sweat.

“OH REALLY? AND HOW EXACTLY WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN AN INSULT?!” Papyrus moved to stand over Sans, glaring down at him as if he were scum. You...didn’t like where this was going. "HOW DARE YOU MOCK ME LIKE THIS!"

He moved to grab at Sans. Sans just closed his eyes, ready to take it with gritted teeth. Eli stopped that line of action the moment it started, flipping Papyrus over and smashing him through the table.

There were a few beats of silence before she spoke. She was not pleased.

“Oi.” Swords fanned behind her. “What did I say about siblings?”

Papyrus glared and fired bones up at her. She deflected them easily enough, lodging them into the ceiling.

“Answer. I haven’t all day for this nonsense.”

“...You said that they were precious…” He whispered.

“Exactly. Now treat your brother with respect or I will personally see to it that our next meal together will be seasoned with your dust.”

With that she went to the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea. The sound of the kettle was the only noise in the room for a long time.

“Oh, and Sans?” Eli suddenly broke through the silence. “You owe a dollar to the swear jar.”


	11. Swear Jar Fines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *slowly dying*
> 
> Work is hard. Sleep is good.
> 
> Want moar sleep.

“No no no, Eli. Just a measly dollar is way off.” You counted on your fingers, but gave up after a few long moments. “He owes at _least_ ten, but I’d round to twenty just to be sure.”

“Oh, well, twenty then, please.” Her eyes lit up as they looked expectantly over at Sans.

“...the fuck…???” He glanced between you and your sister in confusion. “what’s she on about?”

“Twenty-one dollars to the swear jar, Sans.” Eli wasted no time fishing said jar out of the cupboard and bringing it over to the table. “Twenty-one swears so twenty-one dollars, please.”

“why the hell would i do that?! i ain’t payin’ ta fuckin’ swear!”

“...Eh, I’ll consider that twenty-three.” She mumbled to herself then turned back to Sans with an innocent smile. “You’re in my house, so that means you play by my rules. My rules are that each swear word costs a dollar. It would be best if you started paying a bit more attention to your words; it would be absolutely _dreadful_ if I bankrupted my dearest sister’s friend.”

“oh yeah? the fuck’re ya gunna do if i say no?” It was clearly his pride talking more than anything. You could almost feel part of him screaming for him to close his damn mouth, but you couldn’t really blame his freshly damaged pride for getting defensive. It sucks being saved by people.

“Well, I guess I _could_ give you a lesson on etiquette.” She poured boiling water into her cup for tea. “It would probably be for the best if Skeletor joined us as well, seeing as he hasn’t the slightest idea as to how to conduct himself.”

“PAY THE FINE, SANS. DO NOT DRAG ME DOWN WITH YOU BECAUSE OF BULLHEADEDNESS.” Papyrus’ voice commanded authority, but it was obvious to you that he just didn’t want to have another lesson with Eli. You couldn’t blame him for that.

But...you didn’t like the building resentment he had. In your experience, resentment never led to anything good. You’d have to keep an eye on that.

Sans was sweating profusely, and you didn’t like the way this was going, either. His soul swirled with anxiety as his pride and stubbornness struggled against his fear and uncertainty. Eli really couldn’t read the mood between the skeleton monsters very well, or she wouldn’t have been pushing Sans so hard like this.

“Eliiiiiii.” You whined childishly. “Stop trying to extort my friend! It’s not nice at all!” You hopped up and hugged Sans from behind, looking at your sister over his shoulder. Sans stiffened, but his anxiety alleviated slightly.

“You’re to one that tattled on him in the first place.”

“Irrelevant.”

“i think it’s pretty relevant.” Sans snorted and flicked your forehead. “throwing me under the bus like that. fucking savage.”

“...Okay maybe sorta kinda possibly a teensy bit relevant. But still. You’re being a big meanie about it. He didn’t know the rules.”

“not that i would’ve listened to them even if i had, though.”

“Shush! Let me do the talking!” You shoved a dinner roll into his mouth. “Eli! Stop being mean to my friend and, like, forgive his swear jar debt or something.”

She thought about that for a moment.

“Double or nothing?” She tapped a finger to her chin with raised eyebrows. “Why doesn’t he pick a game and play for double or nothing against you? I think that would be a fun way of settling this and you would have something fun to do together.”

“Oh!” Your eyes lit up and you clapped rapidly. “Yes yes yes! I like this! Sans! Let’s do that!”

“no fucking way.” He shot it down immediately. “i mean, really, i have absolutely nothin’ ta gain from agreeing. forgivin’ an imaginary debt don’t count for shit.”

“What about if we bet other things, too!” You amended the game quickly. How could he be passing up such a fun activity so easily? “How about the loser has to do any one thing the winner says? That could be a fun gamble!”

“...that ain’t half bad…” Sans tilted his head slightly. “delete my phone number from your phone if i win.”

He froze the moment the words left his mouth, and his soul immediately began screaming about… _something_. You frowned.

“I guess…” Well there went throwing the game to save his sorry ass from swear jar debt. “Well, then you have to become my friend if I win! Eating my friendship cookies and everything!”

“are you tryin’ ta kill me?!”

“You haven’t tried them yet! They could be amazing for all you know!”

“pff-tsh-kah nuh-uuuuuh!” He stammered, then ended childishly. “it’s pretty obvious that they would be horrible even without tryin’ them. you’re just that talented at ruinin’ food!”

“...I WILL CRUSH YOU AND YOU WILL TRY MY FRIENDSHIP COOKIES!” You screed and grabbed his hand. You dragged him to the game room and presented the bookshelf of games to him. “Now pick your poison!”

He raised his brows at you, but did turn to the shelf eventually. With a sigh and a shrug he began looking at all the games you had. You sent him telepathic suggestion waves for him to pick a luck based game. Your luck game was a strong one.

“these all look dumb.”

“Rude! Most of them are super amazing fun!”

He responded by pointing at monopoly.

“...I said most, alright?” You huffed. “Just pick any game in this room. It doesn’t matter which one; just pick one I can beat you at.”

“...any?” A devilish grin grew on his face as if he had just noticed something.

You hesitantly nodded.

Sans’ smile became arrogant as he stepped towards the pool table and tapped his knuckles against it.

“even this one?”

“...I mean, I _gueeeeess_. But don’t pick pool. Literally anything else but pool. Pool is just unfair.”

“oh, backin’ out, sweetheart?” He leaned his elbows on the table and put his head in his hands. How dare he be so seductive. “guess that’d be a default win for me. time to delete my contact information permanently.”

“...Fine. We can play pool. Which game?” You pouted, but pulled the box of balls from the shelf and began racking them.

“stripes and solids.” He grinned cockily. “do you know the rules?”

Deep sigh.

“Yeah.”

Of course you did.

...

...Of all the games in the room, why did he have to pick the only one associated with gambling?


	12. What a Solid Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaah. I was stuck on how to write this for so long until Mossy and KitsuneKisara came and kicked my ass to just do my best and accept it. Thanks you guys.
> 
> Underfell is so hard...

The balls were racked. The cue ball was waiting on the head string. The cues were chalked. Everything was ready for the game of pool that had everything on the line.

While you really wanted to lose, you couldn’t afford to. You wouldn’t give up your hard-earned friend just to save him from his stupid swear jar fines. If keeping your friend meant forcing him to fork over some queens, so be it. It was his own dumb fault for upping the dumbass stakes and keeping you from throwing this dumbbum game.

You watched as the asshole skeleton smirked and smashed the racked balls with a sharp break. Almost boredly, your eyes followed the 15 as it slammed into the corner pocket, almost popping out. Clearly, Sans had no appreciation for the finesse of this game. What a shame.

His violent shots didn’t change much as he sunk a few more, but you had to admit that using such excessive force meant he had to be hitting them with ridiculous accuracy. Still, the instant one grazed the edge of the table before the pocket, it veered off course and bounced out.

It wasn’t an awful mistake, really. But, well, the fact that he let you have a turn at all was an awful idea on his end. And he didn’t even leave you behind the 8-ball.

“the fuc-...the hel-...quit fu-...yer dam-...SHUT UP!” Sans glared at you in frustration.

“Huh? I didn’t say anything!” A whine seeped into your voice.

“ya were thinkin’ somethin’.” He huffed. “which is weird enough on its own! then ya got this super serious face on and ya ain’t lookin’ like a dumbass fer once!”

“I’m not a dumbass!” You crossed your arms with huff. “Plus, I think on a regular basis, y’know.”

“well clearly all that supposed thinkin’ ain’t helpin’ ya fer...crap.” He glanced at Eli, who pressed her lips into a hard line. “ya gunna shoot or not?!”

“Maybe. I’m half waiting for you to come up with a better insult first. Feel free to be creative.” You raised a brow. “Eli has been more savage than you, and she didn’t even mean it.”

“...ya want me...ta insult ya better.”

“Well, if you’re going to insult me anyways, then at least be creative about it.”

“...yer so dense light must bend right around ya?”

“That’s more like it!” You hopped off your seat and chalked up your cue. “You see? Those are the fun sort of jabs. Now excuse me while I ascertain our bonds of friendship!”

“uh huh. good luck with that, sweetheart.”

You didn’t give much thought to his flare of embarrassment, more concerned with lining up your opening shot than paying attention. A while back, a friend of yours had taught you all sorts of gambling games, including this one. Of course, she had originally tried to explain how to you angles and math and all that dumb stuff for smart people, and of course you still couldn’t comprehend a single lick of it.

Such a thing was a non-issue, though. You’d done this more than enough times with so much more on the line, and you didn’t really want to lose at the moment.

So you won.

And Eli promptly held a plate of cookies out to Sans. Ones that you were actually quite proud of in fact.

“okay. no. nonono.” Sans shoved the plate away. “we ain’t gunna just gloss over that!”

“Is there a problem?” You nibbled on a cookie, which crumbled into dust in your hands. You frowned at it. Maybe you should add some glue next time.

“yes!”

“Is it the cookies?” You sulked. “It’s the cookies, isn’t it?”

“what. no. i mean yes. no. maybe?” He spat out, each progressively more uncertain than the last. “i mean what the _f_ fffffff...igtree just happened?!”

“I won.”

“and that’s the problem here! how?!” He pointed accusingly at the table. “there ain’t no way in hell ya didn’t cheat! ya even jumped a ball over another one!!!”

“Yeah? You can’t do that? Ryan does it all the time.”

He paled at the name. Well, at least you think he did. His soul certainly recoiled, and he froze up for a second, but it wasn’t like his face could go any paler you supposed.

“Anyways, I won so Imma go get my friendship stickers and you’d better be here when I get back!” You gave him a stern look, and dashed off up the stairs to find your precious tokens of friendship!

*

“...who are you guys.” Sans shot your sister his most threatening look. She didn’t so much as flinch. Eh, it had been worth a shot.

“I feel no obligation to tell you.” Her expression was so much more guarded without you in the room, and Sans could finally understand how she could even keep Paps under control.

Sans glanced at Paps, who was standing with his arms crossed in the corner. He seemed wary and on guard, more so than usual.

Shit.

*

You stared at your bedroom floor. Your bedroom was located right above the kitchen, which was an issue now apparently. There were so many holes in your floor and oh so many bones sticking out of everything.

Just how badly had Eli’s cooking lesson gone?!

If you stepped on certain parts, you were pretty certain you’d cause the floor to collapse. Well, you could just ninja your way over to your desk and get those super special sparkly stickers you had gotten just for this moment where Sans was forced to accept your friendship.

But, you also sense the tension in the room below you. Oddly, it wasn’t because of Eli this time.

Ugh, there was no way things would turn out well for Sans after he went home. And you knew that you played a huge role in how everything had turned out. You had really underestimated GTP’s stubbornness and pride.

Welp. Yolo.

You jumped as hard as you could right into the most broken part of your floor, which immediately cracked and groaned. The entire room, barely holding together to begin with, twisted and poured out into the kitchen. Surprisingly, falling from a single measly floor wasn’t even that big of a deal.

Until you were crushed by a dresser into the floor.

Well...that hurt more than expected.


End file.
